On Mother's Day

There is a wide range of emotions that go along with today. I know you feel it. I feel it too.
Maybe you know the ache of longing and waiting for a child that has not yet come. Maybe you feel the gut punch of the grief of pregnancy, infant, or child loss. Maybe your heart feels heavy longing for a mother that has passed. Maybe you grieve a relationship that is broken, or critical, or cold and distant. Maybe the task of motherhood has just made your heart weary and tired and… defeated.
There are also reasons you are celebrating today, aren’t there? The promise of a little one growing inside of you. A sweet warm little one in your arms. Chubby dimpled hands that pat your bum (because how else is your toddler going to get your attention?!). Seeing your sisters CRUSH IT as moms. Sharing moments of understanding, respect, and gratitude with your mom, or your ‘like a mom’. Celebrating amazing women who poured into your life and pour into your children’s life.
It’s all so complicated though, isn’t it? How do we even process it all? How do we approach this day, at all?
I’ve walked some of these roads in my journey—the lovely ones and the hard ones. Some of them so recently, I found myself approaching today with mixed emotions and… dread. I mean, love and joy and all that, but also DREAD. Because this day of celebrating mothers and women has so many things tied into it, doesn’t it?
Over the past year I have experienced some significant losses. How difficult it is to celebrate the children in your arms when you long for the ones in heaven! How humbling it is accepting the shower of love and ‘best mom ever’ cards from my sweet boys when I know what an imperfect, fumbling mom I truly am. How heavy my heart feels when I want more for strained and difficult relationships. How grieved I feel to want to revel in the good and lovely and joyous things today… but tears flow from hurt and loss and longing and weariness instead.
It’s so very, very complicated. It’s a paradox; that joy and grief can and exist simultaneously.  And they do so often in this beautiful and complicated task of motherhood.
I was thinking about this in the wee hours this morning dreading the fast approaching Mother’s Day… and I suddenly had a picture of a gentle shepherd. And I thought of the verse in Isaiah (40:11) where Christ is described as a shepherd.
He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.
I love that the mother is specifically mentioned here. And that she is treated with care and gentleness. Gentleness seems like such a novelty to me—it doesn’t seem like a quality that is valued in our culture, does it? But it is so striking and so appealing to me in this context, on this day. On Mother’s Day that is so many things I am only feeling dread over how I will get through it, this Shepherd is offering gentleness.
He gently leads us through weariness and longing to grace and peace.  He gently leads us through grief and loss to joy and fulfilment. He gently leads mothers through the days we just close our eyes and try to get through, to the days where we live in the confidence and radiance of his love. He gently leads us from hurt and loneliness into his arms, into perfect relationship with Him. Our Father who created us with the capacity to experience all of these emotions that make Mother’s Day—and every day—so complicated, understands each of them (yes even the ugly ones) and cares for them—cares for US with gentleness and love.
I urge you today, dear friends, lean into that. How do we approach this day that is multi-faceted with complex emotions and experiences good and bad? We give ourselves over to the Gentle Shepherd and let him lead us through it. On Mother’s Day I wish you joy and love and blessings and sparkly things and chubby dimpled hands patting your bum and laughter and rest for your weary souls and hope. And I pray you experience the love, care, and gentle leading of your Heavenly Father to navigate all emotions and all parts of the day. <3 br="">

(Also here's a song that is filling my heart with truth today.)

A story (Or, the blogger's annual promise to be a better blogger)

 Let me tell you a story.
One that you are likely familiar with if you have spent any time in the blogging world.
A long time ago... I started a blog because I wanted to share some pictures and some ideas with friends and family. Then I started getting realy into it-- posting regularly. My blog got some traffic, some attention. And while I was never someone who made money off my blog (NONE, I promise) people began to assume I did? and also, I started to act like I did. I put a lot of my time and energy into this.

So now's the part of the story about losing my spark, or realigning my priorities, or blogging for the 'wrong reasons' (are there right reasons to blog for?), or also, I had kids and this became less important. Also, did you know I have two blogs? One mostly dedicated to my thoughts and rants and whatnot and one mostly dedicated to my craftiness and projects and whatnot... and while it seemed a good idea to keep those separate, two blogs? Who am I? What kind of time do I think I have?
Anyway... I dropped off the face of the earth for most of the last year. Did you notice? But I miss blogging. I miss writing. I miss having an outlet for my thoughts no matter how erratic they may be. I also miss getting to share stuff I make. Because creative people... sharing and exchange of ideas is what fuels us, am I right?

So this story ends with me trying to get back to it. Back to it with a little moderation. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You don't have to make money from your blog to sucessfully share ideas and participate in real conversations. In fact... maybe that's a little truer way TO share ideas and participate in real conversation. (Angry money-making bloggers don't shun me)
At the very least... I have DARN cute kids, I tell you! And you won't want to miss their antics and pictures. (Yay, mom-blogger!)

And dang it I need an eloquent way to wrap up this post, but I can't really think of one today. (Real life, friends)... so... I won't.

Don't Overthink It

There's a lot going on in our lives right now, and I am admittedly poor at balancing life and time and work and blog and baby. It feels like the harder I 'work' at it, the more difficult it all becomes. I just feel a lot of pressure to get everything right, you know?
I mean, I am a perfectionist in a loose sense of the word. I am far from clean and organized and Type A personality, but I need a solid plan in place. Time and day structure and life plan-- I need to know and have a clear sense of whats going on in my life... and I just don't have that right now. Everything is just kind of hanging out with no clear timeframe or beginning or end and it feels terrifying and difficult to carry on. And yet, if you don't carry on as normal, everything falls apart.
And even if I am falling apart, it is important to keep up an appearance of 'normal' or even-- better than normal-- fantastic! And perfect! I don't want ya'll to see my messy. 
This is unrealistic.

So I think God has been working on me lately, to teach me patience and 'letting go' even though I am desperately trying to hold on to my time frame and make plans to the letter and figure everything out and appear fantastic. This is a hard one for me.
Even with-- okay especially with-- Sam. I just want his childhood to be so much fun. So nurturing and educational, and awesome. I have been dreaming up these amazing schemes and plans and activities that are tactile and intuitive and brain developing and healthy... and I get these amazing plans and activites all prepared, I sit my baby boy down to them-- and he cries in frustration.

And I cry in frustration, because what the heck kid? This stuff is awesome! And I plunk down a bucket of water and he squeals with delight and plays quietly for an hour, while I sigh in frustration.

What am I doing wrong here? What in the world is wrong with my plans? My activities?
Why do my ideas and plans and schedules make everyone frustrated and screamy? Because, on paper, they look great, they look perfect! And when someone asks you what you did to be a fantastic mom today, who wants to say, oh, my kid played with a bucket of water. 
But he was happy. Without my grandiose plans. And everything worked out, and nothing fell apart. And I guess I just need to learn to let go of some of those plans and just let the good happen without me having to control it and overthink it.
Which goes for all areas of my life. I need to learn not to overthink every detail. Not to stress because things aren't going as planned-- or because there is no plan. There are good things in the unplanned spaces. Sacred things in letting go. Perfect things in spontaneous moments-- perfect things like this pure joy giggle from my baby boy, happily playing with a bucket of water.

Making it

My mom dropped off a couple bags like this. And a bag of apples. It's fall, almost, isn't it? I can feel it coming. FINALLY cooling down a bit, and pears and apples from my parent's fruit trees. Lots of pears and apples. So we've been making this, and have plans to can some pear slices for this winter.

Also we went on vacation and I've been slow in recovering and reverting to a non-vacation schedule. So has Sam. He's had a rough week. Lots of screaming and crying from both of us. We just weren't ready for vacation to be over.

I found some lost items, bought some exciting new supplies, and planned out a few cool projects for fall and (sorry if the mention of the holidays so early makes you cringe...) Christmas. I am excited about things to share, if I can ever get around to them.

Did I tell you my child is crawling? I can't get anything done anymore. But really, would I be a bad mom if I put a swiffer mop pad on his belly and knees and just let him take care of a few chores for me?

Oh, and Winston is pretty certain that Grandma brought this bag of 'balls' over for him to play with. So that's been fun too.

A promise

This above picture is extra scary (so I made it extra big for ya'll). That is a picture of the first time I wore a bathing suit after giving birth to my son. We were going to play in the water, so I put on my bathing suit (my maternity bathing suit, but who cares?) and looked at myself in the mirror... and I choked a little bit. I hated the reflection and I wanted to take it off. I almost did. And then I remembered if I took it off becuase I was worried about what I looked like, I would miss an opportunity to play with my son. I would miss his first time 'swimming'. I don't want Sam to have memories of his mom sitting off to the side and missing fun stuff because she didn't like herself in a swimsuit, she was dieting, or she was afraid someone might get her bigger-than-she-likes-it bootie on camera. I looked at myself and said-- I am doing this because I want to play with my son, not because I look awesome in a bathing suit. And I left my inhibitions in the bathroom mirror... and we went swimming.
My mom was running the camera that day, and she graciously considered my plight and attempted to only photograph from flattering angles (Thanks mom! You're the best!) But regardless of how awesome or not awesome I looked, we had a blast playing in the water. I am thrilled I was there to play with him, and I am glad there are pictures of it--and even pictures of me-- to remember that day. I came so close to bailing because of my own vanity and bathing-suit induced terror... how sad.
So here is a promise I made to myself, and my son:  
I promise I won't miss any moments because of my own vanity. I don't care if I look like a fool or feel like a whale, being your mama is more important than any of that.

BEING A HIPPIE* IS EXPENSIVE!

(If you suffer through this text heavy rant post I promise to share some pictures and inspiration tomorrow... deal???)

*And I use the term 'hippie' loosely...

Photo

I am by no means a hippie, but I have recently become somewhat interested in more healthy, sustainable, or natural methods of feeding, caring for, and clothing my family. Not that I am anti technology and modern advances that make our life all the more conveinient-- but sometimes I feel as though that conveinience comes at too high a price. There are certain things I can and try to do to make our lives a little more 'green' and there are some decisions I would like to make for my family that would reduce our unnecessary exposure to unnecessary chemicals and additives in the products we consume.
Unfortunately, because being 'green' is trendy, or becuase the over processed way of doing things is cheaper, or some kind of combination of those two... The things I think are going to be best, safest, healthiest for my family are EXPENSIVE. Which just doesn't seem right.

Take the nursery for instance. **
1 quart of normal lacquer for finishing furniture = $8 (+ dangerous fume-y odors, chemicals, fermaldehyde, and danger of off-gassing. awesome.)
1 quart of safecoat Acrylacq for finishing furniture = $19 (but, you can't get it at local store, so have to special order it bringing your total after shipping to $27) (low odor and VOC, seals in off-gassing, esssentially making furniture 'non-toxic')
      One is obviously a healthier choice for my nursery and my baby and my pregnant state, but yikes! $19 difference in price?

5'x7' Chevron rug, made of acrylic or polypropalene = $100 (yay, stiff synthetic fibers that are not easily cleaned and easy to get nasty)
5'x7' Chevron rug, Wool = $270 (naturally water resistant and anti-microbial, plus super soft natural fibers. ahhh...)
     Once again, I think you can guess what my preference would be... but the price difference is steep.

And lets not even get me started on Organic cotton bedding vs. poly blends and chemically treated fabrics. Minky and fleece in all their synthetic goodness kinda give me the willies, I don't want to touch them! Look, like I said-- I have not gone off the deep end here, and I am not a hippie, as my friends and family have accused me. I am just trying to make the best and most healthy choices for my family and my baby. I am not insiting everything in our life be 100% certified recycled organic fairtrade eco-friendly green and natural... I mean, that would be awesome... but even the most dedicated of you 'green people' out there must admit that would be an outrageously difficult and expensive lifestyle.
I would simply like the option of putting my baby in a nursery with cozy natural fiber bedding and clothing,  and safe, chemical free furniture, walls, and toys. I want my baby to grow up healthy, and with a healthy understanding of being a good steward of resources and caretaker of God's amazing creation.
On my more dramatic days (oh come on, we all have those, right?) when I am lamenting the lack of organic resources, cloth diapering supplies, and eco-friendly paint at my immediate disposal my friends laugh at me and wonder when it was I became an off the wall green-obsessed hippie. But if fulfilling all the previously mentioned desires makes me a hippie, then I am most definitely NOT a hippie, becuase I can't afford it! Yeesh.


**I am a bad blogger who is not good at citing resources for my research, so when i put htose cost figures and junk up above, you are all, um, is she just pulling those numbers out of her bum? Nope. I can give you specific sites and whatnot where I found those prices and info... but i was just too lazy to actually look up the links in the middle of my pregnant lady rant. If it's important to you, contact me... I'll send you the info. :)

READ THIS: Excuses and Linky-ness

I have come to the conclusion that I am really bad at regularly posting on my blog this time of year. Well, especially right now. Yeah, I know, everyone is extra busy preparing for the holidays. I am no exception. But also most of the projects I am currently working on are for holiday gifts... and I don't really want to give away the magic of a Christmas surprise if I can avoid it!
And... when I am not working on Christmas presents I spend my creative time working on costuming for MIRACLE ON 34th STREET. Which at this point isn't really exciting sewing... mostly hemming and alterations and the like. But it could get more exciting soon... as we make head gear for a most outrageous Christmas-obsessed character... and figure out how to fully wire a sweater with Christmas lights (safely).
Should be... AWESOME.

Also, I just realized that I left a teaser about my vinyl and haven't taken pictures or posted a tutorial for that AWESOME project yet... which was really so simple it shouldn't even require a tutorial, but has me wondering why I didn't make one of these YEARS ago... Oooh... now I've peaked your interest, haven't I? ;) I'll see what I can do about getting that on here tonight for your viewing pleasure.

In other news...

I learned how to make bias tape using this BIAS TAPE TUTORIAL. No, I don't have one of those fancy machines... I have the $4.00 gadget that works just as well... but gets REALLY hot working in close proximity to a steamy iron. Just FYI.

Buuuuuut... while I was just over there getting that bias tape link I saw THIS on the website... and got RIDICULOUSLY excited about it. Anyone else use noisy tennis balls in their dryer? My husband thinks I'm nuts. And the Naturally antibacterial-ness of the wool? Learned something new. Little obsessed.

Also working on some baby gifts right now... and THESE BEAUTIFUL COLORS inspired this:

What IS that you ask? Oh, it's just onesie soup. Oh, I dearly LOVE dying stuff. :) (I know ya'll are thinking fall is nearly over, why are you still dabbling in happy fall colors? Well to you I say... I still have 7 solid days of fall until winter/Christmas hits us SMACK in the face. Soooo... I'm taking it!)

And... I've been fascinated with felt food for a really long time... found this website that has a lot of great PATTERNS FOR PLAY FOOD (felt, crochet, knitted...) it's pretty cute. During a recent chat with Santa (yeah, we are close like that) I learned that one of my favorite little Monsters is getting a play kitchen Christmas. I think he might need some food for that kitchen, and I am always happy to help Santa and the elves out, you know, provided I get my own Christmas sewing done first. ;)

And just in case you feel it's been too long since I have posted a picture of them, I love these three lazy boys more than ANYTHING.

LISTEN TO THIS: We're just like our parents... Oh NO!

Haha... okay, so there are a lot worse things that we could be just like, I know. But who wants to hear that they are just like their parents? Only no one.
This actually refers to a conversation I had in the car with my parents the other day. They were admiring one of my projects and discussing how impressed they were with all the things I was creating and learning to do. I figure I have to do something! For all my friends out there having babies... I'd go broke if I had to buy a gift for each and every one! I have more time and creativity than money... so handmade gifts it is. But it's not so bad... I mean, they are kind of fun and unique.
Anyway... as I was saying this my parents were just smiling... Yeah, we used to make every gift we gave when we were first married as well. My mom told me about all the sewing and crossstich project she made and gave as gifts... and my dad did wood-working projects, frames and shelves and the like... so once again, without even trying to be... It turns out I am walking in the foot steps of my parents.
And my parents are some of the greatest, most generous people I know. So I guess if I can give like they do (or start by giving like they did...) I'll be doing pretty good in life.
Z and I are richly blessed with amazing families... but it's still a LITTLE weird when you realize you are becoming like your parents... huh. :)