There's a lot going on in our lives right now, and I am admittedly poor at balancing life and time and work and blog and baby. It feels like the harder I 'work' at it, the more difficult it all becomes. I just feel a lot of pressure to get everything right, you know?
I mean, I am a perfectionist in a loose sense of the word. I am far from clean and organized and Type A personality, but I need a solid plan in place. Time and day structure and life plan-- I need to know and have a clear sense of whats going on in my life... and I just don't have that right now. Everything is just kind of hanging out with no clear timeframe or beginning or end and it feels terrifying and difficult to carry on. And yet, if you don't carry on as normal, everything falls apart.
And even if I am falling apart, it is important to keep up an appearance of 'normal' or even-- better than normal-- fantastic! And perfect! I don't want ya'll to see my messy.
This is unrealistic.
Even with-- okay especially with-- Sam. I just want his childhood to be so much fun. So nurturing and educational, and awesome. I have been dreaming up these amazing schemes and plans and activities that are tactile and intuitive and brain developing and healthy... and I get these amazing plans and activites all prepared, I sit my baby boy down to them-- and he cries in frustration.
Why do my ideas and plans and schedules make everyone frustrated and screamy? Because, on paper, they look great, they look perfect! And when someone asks you what you did to be a fantastic mom today, who wants to say, oh, my kid played with a bucket of water.
But he was happy. Without my grandiose plans. And everything worked out, and nothing fell apart. And I guess I just need to learn to let go of some of those plans and just let the good happen without me having to control it and overthink it.
Which goes for all areas of my life. I need to learn not to overthink every detail. Not to stress because things aren't going as planned-- or because there is no plan. There are good things in the unplanned spaces. Sacred things in letting go. Perfect things in spontaneous moments-- perfect things like this pure joy giggle from my baby boy, happily playing with a bucket of water.