The Wedding of my Dreams

7.5 months after the big day I have my first wedding day nightmare.
I didn't have any wedding nightmares when I was planning the wedding-- I was surprisingly chill. But last night I had a dream in which I was a bridezilla of unimaginable proportions. And nothing was right. NOTHING.

It was snowing. I had selected a lovely spring day to get married and in came a raging storm like none other. With mud and slush and cold and the whole church was a soggy mess from it.

My carefully altered gown was too big and hung unattractively off my shoulders... I was trying to get ready and my mom was trying to put safety pins in my shoulders to hold my dress on.

The bridesmaids revolted, and instead of the lovely, simple, flattering black dresses I had selected for them to wear-- with the handmade veils and headpieces I created-- they wanted to wear blue. But not all the girls could get a blue dress in their size, so one just showed up in her sweats, shrugging, saying it was the only blue thing she owned, and it's not a big deal, because all I really wanted was her presence anyway... right?
Well, yes, of course. But...

We were on our way to the church... and I couldn't find my bouquet. I knew it had been delivered, and I was so excited to see the yummy rich roses and gold accents I had carefully selected... but I couldn't find it anywhere, I walked out onto my parent's back deck and I found a gorgeous $200 bridal bouquet in pieces... most of the pieces hanging out of the mouth of my parent's dog.
My mom took a brown silk flower out of an arrangement on the wall of her house and told me I should just use that. I was crying from disappointment, and wanting to kill the dog, and everyone was telling me I was being ridiculous, and the wedding was not that important anyhow, and why was I so upset?

We arrived at the church to meet the photographer and my groom... only to discover that neither had showed up. Apparently the groom had decided he didn't love me and he didn't want to get married that day.

His best friend had gone to talk some sense into him... but sense we were on a time crunch, and he hadn't yet changed his mind, they were going to have his brother (who was one of the groomsman) stand in as the groom for pictures... And one of the groomsmen's wife stand in as the extra groomsman. They got her a tuxedo t-shirt so she wouldn't stand out.

 Our photographer still had not arrived, but everyone was reprimanding me for my hysteria because I was going to look horrible in my pictures-- and this isn't the way I wanted to remember my day. And they were right! This was all wrong! I didn't want to remember my wedding day like this... I wanted everything to be right. I didn't want to be a bridezilla--

But as my dad was walking me down the aisle to be married I was crying because even though every other detail was wrong about the day... I would have gone through with it. But I was not looking at the man that I loved. He was not there, and I knew I shouldn't be either.

So there were no vows said that day.

There was no first kiss,

And no first dance.

And no happily ever after.

Everyone kept calling me bridezilla and scolding me for getting caught up on 'details' that don't matter. And I didn't understand why NO ONE thought NOT having a groom there was was anything more than an unimportant 'detail'. I was screaming at the top of my lungs at my bridesmaids, at my mom, at the whole church, at the dog that ate my flowers-- GROOMS ARE NOT DETAILS!!!! And everyone looked at me like I had completely lost my mind.

I woke up suddenly and miserably with my adrenaline pumping and a throat sore from screaming.

When I became conscious that I was actually in bed I was happy to discover that it was January. And snowing outside. My husband was asleep breathing softly in bed next to me. We were in fact married last May. It was a beautiful, perfect day. Every detail was in place. My groom was the most handsome charming man alive. And he loved me very much that day.

And... for all our hardship over the past few months I know-- I KNOW-- he loves me even more today. So after the worst wedding nightmare ever (7+ months after the fact), I am happy to report I did not have the wedding--or the groom--of my dreams.

Sigh of relief.